Checkered Events

Working in my bent little shop today in the dodgiest area of town. A young couple comes in. The girl asks for a packet of cigarettes and exclaims "I love cigarettes!"
The bloke reponds "not as much as you love me. Cigarettes don't have a massive cock"
The girl says to me "'he's right you know, you should see it, it's absolutely enormous"
The guy to me "do you want me to get it out now and show it to you?"
Me, "errrr no"
Girl to me, "there's enough of it to share"
Boy, "are u actually interested....ummmm (looks at my namebadge) "Russian"? "
By now there is a massive queue behind them, my manager isn't around and everyone is eagerly listening in to see how I am going to respond to the grusome twosome
Me, "No, sorry"
Girl, "Go on, you would if you saw his cock"
Boy to me, "have you had anal before?"
I ignore
He continues, "do you use lubrication?"
I still ignore
Girl leaves shop
Boy follows saying as he goes, "We're being deadly serious, I know your name, I'll get your number and we can meet up"

WHAT THE FUCK? All in a days work.........

Russian

Just a quickie.....

Anyone every slept with someone who has their balls pierced? Anyone? No?


I'll add to that.....

anyone slept with a guy with his balls pierced who is married?

Responsible Doesn't Mean Less Crazy...

Hello again,
After talking to Scarlet over a coffee and lunch today, well my coffee and lunch at least, I began to see that I also have a tale or two to confide in this blog as well. Though mine might not be as explicit as the others, it is nonetheless quite funny. Well so Scarlet tells me, although I am still wondering whether coaxing me to write this was just a way to prove she isn't a complete psycho...but I digress.
Let us start where all good stories start, in a club with a drink or five. My friends and me had decided that we were going to have a really, really good night i.e. get wasted out of our faces and see what trouble we could cause. (Note: Yes, I know that you can have a good time without getting rat-faced and vice versa. But indulge me).
So there I was, bopping along to the horrible cheesy music and wondering where my friends had disappeared to...When I spotted the boy, we'll call him Tony, standing a couple of feet away from me. I had liked Tony for a while now and he seemed receptive to my affections, although nothing major had happened yet. So in my state, I thought it a perfect opportunity to seduce him. I sauntered up, or at least I thought I did and started to babble general small talk. He wasn't drunk or he wasn't as drunk as me and so accepted my advances like you let a puppy lick your hand or hump your leg. Anyway, after a while he asked me where my friends where and I replied as best I could...
"Over there, I think," que massive hand gestures.
Tony looked at me with eyes full of pity and told me he would help me look for my friends. So off we went into the forest of people that was the heaving club. We had been walking around for a few minutes when I suddenly slipped (Blood on the dancefloor?) and I fell backwards, my foot flying up into the air, landing into the ass cheek of a blonde girl. She turned around and gave me a fierce look and asked me quite sharply 'had I kicked her?' A simple, 'yes, sorry,' would have been fine...but no, me being quite confrontational when I'm drunk decided on a different approach.
"Yeah, I did. Bitch," I screamed, while Tony did his best to restrain me.
Blondie looked at me and could quite clearly see how legless I was and probably due to the profuse apologies on Tony's part and my slurred speech, she just let it go and carried on her merry little way. Looking back, probably a good thing because she was a whale of a girl and could have flattened me with her thumb.
After that Tony put his arm firmly around me, which I thought was a come-on but probably was more of a need than a want. However, the fun did not stop there...later I re-named his friends, 1, 2 and 3 because I couldn't remember their real names and then mixed them up, told dear Tony, I thought he was a little stupid and that I was a lot better than him at our subject, pushed him into numerous amounts of people just cause I found it funny and made him walk around in circles with me for close to 2 hours. What a peach, I am.
But throughout this, you may be thinking that he must have liked me to put up with such treatment but no. I was told later by a mutual friend, he let me carry on for so long because a) he felt sorry for him being all by myself b) thought I might seriously hurt myself if left alone and c) I wouldn't let go of his hand.
So you see, I am not much better with the opposite sex as my companions. Although you may not think my tale as bad as others you may have read, let me leave with you one last embarrassment from that night....I wrote him an e-mail when I got home. What I said is still a mystery but the reply will be forever ingrained into my head:
"Yes, well that's nice of you to say. Maybe we should talk about this when you're sober."
I'll let you decide what my message was to him. But there are only a few things that could warrant a response like that and none of them are particulary good or sane.

Regards,

The (Crazy) Observer.

Scarlet experiences

I feel I can't leave Russian as the only one to have written more than a few words on her experiences.

I have such a poor memory for the wonderful things that are said to me. However I will try my best to remember the classics.
Here we go:

At the tender age of 17 having been dragged from a club halfway over the island to a random cliff carpark, I was asked by a rather blinged up 30 something with a strong accent.
"have you ever slept with a Jamaican?"
To this day I have slept with no Jamaicans. The friend that dragged me there, and was getting up to no good in some bushes is now happily married with a bun in the oven.

More recently last Christmas I was asked by a girl I consider one of my best friends:
"I want to get (her boyfriend) something he's always wanted for Christmas"
Ok, I'm thinking and how does this involve me? She continues:
"and you're the only girl I would let him be with"
Hold up! What! She wasn't asking what I thought she was, was she?
"NO!" I yelped
To which she said:
"but you don't even have to sleep with him,"
"NO!"
"we'll get you really drunk first"
At which point I ran away to play darts.

At the moment I currently embarrassing myself around a rather dishy tall lifeguard.
He seduced me with
"would you like a pack of crisps?"
"yes" I replied
"well you'll have to kiss me first"
I got the crisps.

A Friend Speaks...

Dear Reader,
I am not of the lovely trio of ladies that have so lovingly created this blog but a slightly more responsible individual who has observed many of the girls' 'excursions' into the dirty world they inhabit. I thought I would add a post just to explain a little bit of characters, just so you can get a more accurate picture of our narrators.

The Duck (who subsequently hasn't posted yet): Is one of those people that you can't help but laugh with (and at), she just makes you smile. She is also a trouble-magnet, causing some people to think ill of her but I like to think she's just misguided. Her heart is normally in the right place and I think at the end of the day, she just wants to find someone lovely and nice to watch films with. If only she wasn't such a flake...

Scarlet: A relatively new acquaintance of mine and someone I believe to be a late-bloomer in terms of dirty misdeeds. Her past is a bit murky for me but her recent going's on have been crystal clear in my mind. She seems never to be short of male admiration, although seems to lack the attention span for any of them. Definately a candidate for the saying, 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.' Probably will continue to be a wild-card for a few more years before finding that cultured poet who will tolerate her needy and fickle ways.

Russian: We met in the first year of secondary school where she tells me she was scared of me, although I have no idea why. But as the years went on, our friendship grew and so Russian's history is one, I am very familiar with. Her 'conquests' may not have been great or many but they are very, very funny, I have to stress that. She is a charming wreck of insecurity and confusion and you have to love her for it. There is not a minute in Russian's life that does not seem to have a tinge of scandal about it nowadays, which is not great for her but she always seems to laugh about it...I mean, you have to. Although so many times, I think Russian's behaviour all stems from her traumitising experiences of a One-Balled boy and a Spanish paedophile...Maybe she will share these with you in the future, I do not know. But if she does, even though you will be disgusted, you will not be able to not laugh. Fact.

I hope this little entry has enlightened you and that you now have a clearer picture of my three friends is in your mind. They are not bad people, they just do really bad (and hilarious) things.

Signed,

The Observer.

More Wonderful Words

I myself have many brilliantly stupid/sleazy/insightful quotes to add.

I shall also share

Scarlet's experiences

Me and Russian had wandered back to her house in the early hours of the morning escorted by two rather dishy (well my one was!) young men.
I have to say I loved the comment made Russian's brother:

"so which of you is the one with his balls pierced?"

I think everyone in the room wanted to die.

Anyhow meant to write more but my food is ready.
Later