Ruby cringes....

Hi I'm the friend known as Ruby.
I will start by adding to the tale Scarlet wrote about the lifeguard. Dragged to his house, sitting around drunk, scarlet had left me for so called better company, and I began to realise I was in a house full of chauvinists. Sitting and laughing to myself about this, I was having a good time until the lifeguard came in and did the most horrific thing imaginable. Well first he flashed his winky at me and his friends, shielding my eyes, I was in the belief that the worst had already happened, then he started to run his fingers through my hair.
"What is he doing" I exclaimed.
"Think where his fingers have been" hmmm not good.
I start to struggle, must get away from fingers, then alas in the commotion one of his hands finds it way to my mouth, eughh. I am scarred for life.


So to a story more my own. Oh this is recent and a beauty of an embarrassment. Went back to a blokes house, lets call him the Bassist. Anyway I was slightly tipsy, earlier in the evening I had sipped a bit too much champagne. Now I cant remember a lot of what came out of my mouth, but here are a few beauties, sat on his sofa, started quoting a comedian, I thought I was being witty and funny, but the poor boy had no idea what was going.

"I made 50 voluvents and not one of you, not one of you said thank you."

he replied with,

"I assure you, if you had made any voluvents I would have said thank you" (sorry about the spelling of voluvents I don't know if it's right).
To this I decided to carry on my joke, without explanation,

"nobody likes my shoes"

"you seem drunk, do you want to go to sleep"

now this is a real beauty,

"no I want you to take my trousers off"

The trousers came off, but as Scarlet told me later, if you're too drunk to take your trousers off, you're probably too drunk to have sex. The rest is hazy.


So we move forward to my classis and probably most horrific embarrassment. I was walking home in the early hours with (ummm) the neighbor. I was drunk and he picked up on this, I decided to tell him,

"The only reason I am out tonight and this drunk is because I found out I'm not pregnant."

The rest is a blur and I cringe every time I think about it.

Baywatch Belief

It's been a while since any of us posted, But we've been hard at work getting ourselves into more stupid situations and listening to more entertaining things that men say.

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine (lets call her ruby), the other day about her ex boyfriend, what she said just highlighted the true horror of what women are attracted to.

Her ex, (lets call him Phil) seemed to be a lovely guy. He has in recent weeks being sending her text messages proposing that they have sex in an uncomfortable place, and he doesn't mean the back seat of a ford fiesta! Anyhow what she said just summed it all up for me;

"If I'd known he was such an asshole, I would never have dumped him!"

Sad but true, all women love a bastad. Which brings me to....

Scarlets Latest Adventure.

Now I may have mentioned a lifeguard earlier in this blog. Well last night after annoying ruby for weeks about my barren love life she took my phone off me and sent him a booty call message on my behalf. And there starts the chain of events. Ended up meeting him at a bus stop with two of his friends and ruby. Well this was not going to plan, firstly he didn't get in the taxi with us, instead he ran the 2 or 3 miles to his house, mental!?. Then when we got there everyone was sitting round, what the hell! Ruby and me have to make chitchat with these nutters, who are very very dull.
Lifeguard turns up, and decides to go for a shower. To which I say;

"Would you like some company”?

Oh Christ! Anyway long story short, we do it all over the place, at one point climbing out the window. He then wraps a towel round himself and goes back to talk to everyone, I was so so tempted to leave there and then.
But this is just the set up, once everyone had gone to bed and we start to get close again. He says to me

"Would you like a threesome”?

Oh dear this is becoming a theme of my love life; do I seem like that sort of person or something? No don't answer that. I said

"Um maybe if I had some notice"

As if we're talking about making a cake or something. He then says:

"Wouldn't you love to have two guys" ..............insert scene
here.............

And he meant there and then!, I don't know who he was proposing join us but I don't think I've ever been so turned off in my life

I'm starting to think that maybe he might not respect me to a huge degree. And I'm not even getting into the whole, wants a threesome with another man thing.